Sarah's CBAC Story

I knew nothing when I had my first daughter except that I wanted to do it as naturally as possible.  I knew my cycle was 35 days and that the due date that they get from the little wheel was wrong but since the ultrasound wasn’t different they went with it.  Even so, when I had non-painful contractions for hours that eventually went away (I didn’t know this was normal), my doctor was worried because she was “late” and induced me.  Once on that train, I couldn’t get off and had my first c-section.

After that, I read lots of stuff and learned all I could because I wanted my VBAC.  It was an exhausting fight.  My husband was not supportive (he was afraid I would put the baby in danger) and was not about to foot the money for a midwife or doula.  The doctor (a different doctor) was horrible-the sigh when he said “I guess we can try a trial of labors,” the “your baby could die” etc.  He just really didn’t seem interested in doing a VBAC. I complained to the staff, but because I wasn’t sure how to explain that he didn’t do anything “wrong”–just his attitude, and they urged me to stay in his care.  I would have left if his nurse wasn’t one of the most wonderful women I have ever met. I had been searching for a low cost doula and I found a wonderful doula that was training so she attended my birth for free. I found her through an ICAN group a couple of counties away because there was no group in my city.

I was determined not to go in until I was in real “hard” labor.  My water broke before I had any contractions so I went in. Going in when your water breaks is “common sense.” I knew I could have said, “oh my contractions aren’t that strong I don’t have to go in yet,” but I couldn’t “fake” that my water wasn’t broken. Start the induction and here we go again.  I did labor longer with less medicine and I strongly believe that this was due to the help of the doula. After 8 or so hours they (the hospital staff) decided he was in fetal distress. Once they opened me up, they said had the cord wrapped around his shoulders and it kept pulling him back up and that is why I couldn’t progress.

As that horrible doctor was taking my staples out he said, “Your babies just can’t handle labor can they?”  People say, “Well you had healthy children so everything is ok” or “You have a boy and a girl what more do you want?”  I don’t take for granted that I have two healthy children but I feel that I now have my choices taken away.  If I were to get pregnant again, and before this I did want more children, any doctor around here would say, “So when should we schedule your c-section?”  To have a VBA2C I would have to go in pushing, go out of state or find a midwife–and a way to pay for her–who will take people after 2 c-sections.

My scar still aches or itches even after five years.  It causes a little stress in the marriage when my sex drive is lower because I’m afraid I’ll get pregnant (I know all about birth control and people for whom it has failed). It can cause stress in the extended family. I have nurse sisters who don’t see why this is so important to me. I feel sometimes I’m fighting against the whole culture when people assume it’s standard and nod knowingly and say “once a c-section always a c-section.  I’m still angry and hurt and feel like a failure that my babies didn’t arrive “normally.”  I’m really working on it because I want to be a doula and make sure people have as much information and the happiest birth they can because I didn’t.