Those who attended the ICAN conference last April might remember the stunning black and white photographic image at the silent auction table. It was a very challenging image and generated a lot of conversation. Such stark representations of inner emotions can be important points of catharsis in our healing journey.
Jennifer McNichols is a cesarean mother and a talented photographer who is looking for the assistance of you, our ICAN community. Remember, the first (and possibly the most important) part of education is getting someone to open their eyes, not their brains. You cannot take in new information if your eyes are closed or you don’t even know where to look. Powerful images like Jennifer’s help to open those eyes, including the eyes in our hearts.
From Jennifer:
Delivery by C-section is rapidly becoming the norm rather than the exception in U.S. hospitals, with medical policies of escalating interventions serving as a leading contributor to the rise in emergency situations requiring this procedure. The effect of an unwanted Cesarean birth as well as post-operative complications leads many new mothers to feelings of loss, anger, shame, and depression at a time when society demands an uncomplicated celebration of new life, and the suppression of these feelings in turn can lead to a sense of painful isolation and self-doubt. In this series I have used handmade and hand-decorated cakes to document the charged and often despairing emotions such women experience in solitude and silence while those around them celebrate.
I am looking for 1-2 word descriptors of things women felt after their Cesarean, and wanted to draw from the community at ICAN for this, as they were one of my most important sources of support and understanding when I went through the experience of an unplanned Cesarean myself. Dominant emotions, undercurrents, things that were particularly hard to communicate or get others to understand – I’d like to incorporate some of these ideas from other post-Cesarean mothers to reflect how a community of women feels about the issue, beyond my own personal experience.
I’ll pick somewhere between 7-10 of the words or phrases and either use icing to write the words or create them in fondant somehow, and photograph them to show along with the cakes. I’m hoping to have a list of words by next Monday so I can work on these next week.
My background: I planned a natural hospital birth for the birth of my daughter 5 years ago. A series of interventions, a posterior baby and some choice words by the OB, and I had a Cesearan. I turned to ICAN where I found the community so incredibly supportive and the community helped me come to terms with and deal with my emotions.
If you would like to contribute words or phrases to Jennifer’s project, please post them here as comments. Thank you!
36 Responses
“defeated” comes to mind… I’m sure I’ll come back with more with some words from my post-Cesarean poetry.
Cool project. I would like to see the image that was referenced in the first paragraph. Can someone direct me to it?
Thanks.
Leslie – I think it might have been this one: http://www.newworldalmanac.net/_jlfphotography/cake_zipper.php
“shocked” … as in how I felt as they were rolling me to surgery and I realized that _nothing_ had (to that point) gone the way I wanted it.
I would also add “determined” for how I felt when I realized what was happening and decided that by golly I would make sure my efforts at breastfeeding would be successful (I say this now with a 23 month old who is still nursing!!!)
“Broken”
Worthless Failure
betrayed
Emptiness
hijacked
abandoned
Ripped Apart
Misunderstood
Confused
helpless
hopeless
powerless
… just less
Hollow
Numb
Freek
I’d say I felt mostly
numb
or powerless
as previous posters said.
(Hey Jennifer, I’m still nursing my 23 month old, too! We’re twins. =)
Heartbroken
Lost
Battered
Manipulated
dehumanized
murdered (I really felt like my OB tried to kill me, and he did kill a huge part of me)
dead
isolated
sick
betrayed
damaged
devastated
angry
abused
incompetent
lost
abandoned
punished
Thanks for your important work.
Bluffed.
Failure. (seems a common thought)
Alone.
Separated.
But thankfully alive… Both of us! (I say that after 28 months!)
stunned
cut
cheated.
depressed.
hurt.
failure.
but i also felt that i had no choice. the dr. projected my first child to be around 12 pounds and they were worried about trauma that may occur if natural childbirth was tried.
Vandalized.
My first birth was a homebirth. My second was a c-section. I had it to save the life of my baby, but still…
Cheated
Failure
Scared.
Uncertain.
Unprepared.
“grateful”
“thankful”
– that my baby was born alive
– in hindsight, for being in good physical shape to look after my baby when he spent time in the special care nursery struggling with repeat seizures
– that i was in the hands of such gentle professionals
– that the nausea stopped
and “excited” to be going on at last with the next stage in my life
it’s not all bad. even though well-meaning(?) mummy friends tried to guilt me into feeling bad about ‘succumbing’ to a c-section i still have a very positive memory of our birth experience (not sure if my wee guy does though)
Scared
benched
suffocated
Focused awareness
“relieved”
“blessed”
“grateful”
– that both of my children AND I survived their births
– that I had a husband who really listened to me & to my doctor
– that my doctor was able to look at all the data and determine, correctly as it turns out, that my fibroids were likely to cause a problem.
I’m so grateful, as well, that this procedure exists so that I could have children and still be here to enjoy them.
violated
powerless
obliterated
and from other people: made to feel guilty.
every you should be grateful was like another knife…
Brainwashed.
For years I believed my cesarean was life-saving and was grateful for it. It was not.
tattered and torn
Bewildered
Stupid
Out of control
relieved
worried
I was relieved that after myself and my son crashed…nearly flatlined, that the doctors were skilled and quick thinking enough to get us to the operating room quickly enough to save his life and my own. I worried about my son once I realized what was happening and couldn’t see him due to being in the NICU.
I am truly thankful for the skill and quick thinking of my dr. and for my cesaerean. I wasn’t aware of anything happening until several hours after the procedure. But my husband sure remembers to this day every minute as well as my mother as they were both there for it all.
emptiness
loss
failure
envy
angry
unfulfilled
cheated
distraught
misunderstood
abused
unsupported
alone
empty
ashamed
demoralised
disconnected
I felt such complex emotions at the time which seem contradictory. I felt “relieved”, “trusting”, “excited” (to meet my baby at last), “frightened” and “exhausted”. After such a long labour, being fully dilated I was ready to push but when the doctors and my midwife said that I needed an emergency cesarean I trusted them. They were right and my daughter is an amazing, healthy little person. Still, 12 months on I have such a range of emotions about it and often feel like I gave up and just wasn’t strong enough.