I planned to deliver VBAC, but this is my CBAC story. I went in for my 38 week appointment and my blood pressure was high (a sign of pre-eclampsia). The nurse advised I go straight to L&D just to be sure. I was monitored for hours with not much change and finally admitted and expected to deliver the baby in order to treat the current situation. They told me it was more pre-pre-E and wanted to treat it before it got worse.
My bishop score wasn’t good enough to even talk about a gentle induction. The on call doctor advised a cesarean. I couldn’t even process it, it was that quick. I’m prepped, wheeled down to the operation room, given my spinal block, laid on the table and they begin. I feel everything and my anxiety isn’t helping. I’m trying to keep my mind busy. I don’t like that I’m awake and can feel them tugging and the pressure. I keep trying to focus on my baby being in my arms. It feels like forever. I feel like shutting down. Finally they say they are pulling him out. They pull the curtain down so I can see him. It was fast, I don’t remember seeing him very well, only him being whisked away. I don’t get immediate skin to skin, which makes me sad. I have never gotten the joy of holding my baby first, or getting that special moment of joy. I didn’t get to have immediate bonding with my first either and it ate me up for a while. I lay there patiently while they try to make him cry and check his vitals. My husband goes over to watch. I’m alone with my thoughts. I feel them begin to sew me up. Everyone has been so nice but I’m so hurt I didn’t get the delivery I hoped. It’s taken a long time both times to sew me up, (but it has to be done right)so I try to remain calm.. I try to remember its almost over.
Finally my husband brings our baby over for me to hold, sort of. It’s the most awkward way to hold a baby, laying down strapped to a table, but I wanted to. I end up giving him back to my husband to hold and I wait. Finally they say it’s over. I’m still in shock of the day and what it led to. We are taken to recovery where for the first time I get to hold our baby in a normal position. I’m beginning to feel the numbness leaving, which was different since I had an epidural previously and was numb for a longer period. I still can’t get over what happened, I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, I’m glad my baby is here, but it was honestly very hard to accept what happened.
Thank you for sharing your story with us, Katelyn.
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