This is Rebekah’s story. She is one of our dear co-leaders of ICAN of Huntsville. Although she ended up on a path that she did not want or expect, both a cesarean section and a NICU stay for her baby… She is healing and reaching out to help other women either avoid or navigate some of these same situations. We truly appreciate all you do, Rebekah. Thank you for sharing your story!
-Brianna
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On the day after my due date, I went in to the hospital for an induction. I was overdue. My placenta had expired. Letting my baby “cook” in my womb for any longer was dangerous — that is what my OB had me believe. Because of my fears as a first time mother, I believed her. I arrived at the hospital with hopes that I will soon be holding my baby in my arms.
20 hours later, I found myself on the operating table. Afraid. Shaking. Tolerating pain as they cut me open.
I ran a fever — the nurse said “hundred and six,” which I freaked out because I had never ran a fever as high as 106. Later I found out my fever was only 100.6-101. My baby’s heartbeat jumped up to 185. Fetal tachycardia + maternal fever = chorioamnionitis. A fancy word for infection.
Right after meeting my baby for the first time, my husband escorted her to the NICU. I wish I had known she was headed to the NICU no matter how I delivered. It was after my c-section that I found out that we would not be reunited for longer than I thought.
I remember seeing my daughter under the heating lamps, hooked up to an IV & different monitors. I was not expecting this. I don’t like surprises. I did all genetic tests available. I wanted to know my baby’s gender. We had her name picked out 5 years ago. I expected to have a healthy, full-term baby. I wrote my birth plan accordingly that she would never be separated from me once she was born. Instead, I find her under intensive care.
I could not hold my baby until 24 hours after birth when she was transferred to the progressive NICU. I was not there for her first feeding. The nurses went ahead and fed her formula without my knowledge or consent. When I asked about alternatives to formula (because I couldn’t pump enough milk to feed her), the nurse answered “well, babies need cow’s milk.”
It was a good thing I was drugged up on pain meds. I could not think clearly. I felt numb. Had I been more alert, I would have created chaos.
I went to go visit my daughter during “care times” which was set for every 4 hours. If I go at any other time, the nurses shhhhed me. “She was crying so loudly and we finally got her to calm down. Don’t wake her up.” Of course she’s loud. She was a 9 pounder. The other babies are half of her size. She needed to be held. She needed to be rocked. She needed skin to skin. Instead she got a pacifier because I couldn’t be there.
“You better figure out a way for her to sleep better or she’ll have issues with brain development,” said another NICU nurse. I was hurt. How can a hospital, a place for healing, cause me so much pain? I’ve heard from many moms how thankful they are for their NICU nurses for saving their baby’s life. I felt guilty for not feeling the same. I felt guilty for feeling that I could provide better care for my daughter. I was bitter that they had ripped her out of my womb and restricted how much I could love and care for her.
There was nothing wrong with her. She passed all of her tests. No infection. No jaundice. She was a healthy girl.
I was lucky enough to be discharged with her on the same day. It was a true blessing because had she been there any longer, I have no idea how it would have messed up our breastfeeding relationship or the bonding. Not everyone is lucky enough to have a baby discharged on the same day and walking in the NICU with her car seat was such a great feeling. Other parents congratulated us that our daughter was going home.
While I felt that delivering at a hospital with a NICU was an ideal situation before having my daughter, I now feel that sometimes too many medical interventions are performed for precaution. Perhaps it could have been life-saving that my daughter received antibiotics soon after birth, but the drugs come with side effects. I had to take her for hearing tests months after to be sure the drugs did not damage her hearing.
I am not sure what I would like to do for my next time or if I will be blessed with a next time. But I do feel that there needs to be change in the local hospitals. I am happy to report that a year later, there are a few changes that have taken place that are better practices for mother and baby.
If I could go back in time, I would like to tell myself a few things.
1. Your due date is not your expiration date. Let your baby decide her birthday.
2. Avoid induction! It increases your chance of a c-section by 50%. C-section recovery is not easy.
3. Ask questions. A fever doesn’t automatically mean c-section. Read more about what could happen during labor and know your options for “what if” situations.
I reached out to start an ICAN chapter in Huntsville because I wanted to see fewer women like me. I struggled with healing from my traumatic birth and I am still recovering. I hope that ICAN’s presence in the area will bring great changes in maternity care and birth practices.
